11:25pm

Jhiduan Kaleil.

I created his name at a time when I felt as if the world was against me. Everything I knew and grew up loving seemed to have fallen from their grace once I became pregnant with him. His father and I were on opposite coasts, not speaking to one another at all and I was really hard on myself for not being more careful. Here I was almost 21 and about to have a child. Unbeknownst to me, I was still very much a child. As I watched my six pack diminish I found myself laughing so hard at times it would turn into a full blown, hysterical cry! I was beyond afraid and really unsure about my future.

16 days before my 21st birthday I popped this little human out. Naturally I’ll proudly add. Nothing against other mothers who did things differently but I love that my body finally did what my mind and heart set out to do from the very beginning.  ((I tried asking for some Tylenol or Motrin but the nurses laughed at me!))

My son and I share kindred hearts so understanding him comes easy, yet I noticed his anger getting the best of him more often as he grew older. This boy literally had me reading every book and scanning through articles on the Internet trying to find any information I could in how to handle his arising “issues.”

One night I sat up looking at my 3 older children and adored how unique they were. Each of them shared a trait or two but it was in that moment that I realized I had to stop grouping them together all the time. Just because they are very close in age it was always easy for me to make them do everything together. I learned that what’s easy for a parent isn’t always what’s best for the child.

As their mother, I want to be everything they need me to be and more. Their guiding light. So I began to allow them to do their own thing. Instead of always giving them something to do, I’d sit back and just watch as they chose what they wanted. My time with them as children will go quick and unfortunately I will not be their only influence, so I began taking the time to see the heart’s of my children. They are born into a world that teaches them to act a certain way but they are conceived with character.

As he lays beside me now I must say I am glad he has his “issues.” If it weren’t for him I would probably still be dictating every little aspect of their lives creating followers and not birthing the leader within them.

Being the complex spirit he is I know raising him will be one of my greatest challenges. I created his name at a time when I felt the world was against me.

Jhiduan is He Who Strengthens.